I will tell you about my struggle facing a disease (2003)

Thursday 28 August, 2003 at 01h 30 in the morning. At the moment, I feel the after effects of my siesta at 3:30 pm. I can’t sleep, alone with my distress. I scribble on the blank paper searching for some primitive inspiration that would save me from my unhappiness. Writing is the safer way to escape without luggages, without real limits, a moment here and a moment there, coming and going as I please without ever getting tired of the ink flowing from my Bic biro. What I relate is not of great importance, what is important it is to listen to the music of the Bic biro on the white sheet of paper.

People around me urge me to write about my life, I think about it and I hesitate, thinking to face this work on my own is not going to be an easy task. Although it is a good idea, maybe it could be my turn to become rich and famous or maybe remain unknown. But is it so important to be rich nowadays ? Yes, I think more and more often that it is. However if I write this book, it is not for the money but to tell my life story, my struggle, my hardship facing the disease, facing friendship, facing love of men and of a woman. For this I must reconstituate my story, my family, my brothers and sisters, my schoolfriends, some desired and undesired friendships.

I think it’s a bit too much for me, and  also it reminds me of trips that today I would rather forget. If I write a book about myself, I shall talk about my fight to survive against the adversity of an illness. My book will be a book full of hope for all HIV positive in France and worldwide. I shall explain that the illness can be partly overcome if the subject has faith in his or her heart, and that he or she must not lose joy for living even when lying alone and helpless on an hospital bed.

The reason is that then God comes to one and hears our prayers, if one wants to live one must tell him, if one wants to die one must tell him as well. Everything depends on our personal fight to face the illness. As long as we breathe there is hope. It is the nicest present to be on earth and not underneath. Although dying is normal, I believe entirely in this, I wish to live a long time with my young princess and my few friends that love and cuddle me.